In the Mail

"Her career's in freefall, another engagement's over and she's mourning her beloved father - so what's Kelly got to smile about?", asks this story about Kelly Brook on the Daily Mail's website this morning.

Well, maybe she's just having a good day? As for mourning, come on, her father died in November. You can't expect her to be

"And nor is scarily ambitious Kelly one to pass up the chance of milking the exposure her split with the balding star has offered her."

You mean the exposure given to her by, oooh, I don't know... the Daily Mail? 151 articles featuring Kelly in the last month no less! Scarily ambitious? Please, she sees herself as an actress so she goes to auditions. It's what actresses do. She's hardly Paris Hilton.

Elsewhere, we see that Salman Rushdie's now been trying it on with Scarlett Johansson, just days after attending a White House dinner with Olivia Wilde. He must be Satan, surely?