The FHM Sexiest 100

The current issue of FHM is their 100 Sexiest Women In The World issue. Lets go through and see some of those in it...

99 - Marion Cotillard - that's what an Oscar win does for you. At least that's what an Oscar win does for you if you're halfway attractive.

94 - Billie Piper - Secret Diary of A Call Girl was a bit pants and I gave up on it a few episodes in, though strangely enough, I've recently thought I might like to revisit it. Billie's attractive enough, though am I the only person who think she's got a slightly over-sized mouth?

90 - Amber Heard - never heard of her, which is ironic.

89 - Kristen Bell - now this is more like it. Reminds me that she pops up in this season of Heroes and that I need to catch up with the second season of Veronica Mars. I bet that other pint-sized Heroes blonde Hayden Panettiere pops up further on in the list.

88 - Odette Yustman - never mind the (admittedly awesome) CGI, Odette was the still most visually appealing thing in Cloverfield.

86 - Ellen Page - she looks pretty good in photos, but doesn't seem quite so attractive when you see her moving about. A bit like Notts County.

84 - Katie Holmes - I had a Katie-crush for quite a while, but marriage to Tom Cruise has changed her. The sexiness she brought to films like Pieces Of April and Go disappeared and she became, frankly, a bit boring. Her film career seems to have died as well, with the only film she's made since 2005 being the lamentable Mad Money. She's looking worryingly thin too. Thin's fine, but there's healthy thin and there's sick thin.

82 - Michelle Ryan - Bionic Woman was quite a coup for our Michelle, shame then that it didn't work out. I think I got to episode four before I couldn't take it anymore. The show didn't seem to know what it wanted to be. I think they were aiming for Alias meets Battlestar Galactica, but both shows were far superior. Still, that's no reflection on Ryan and did the best she could. Good news is we get her back.

77 - Denise Richards - it's a wonder she's still in the Hot 100. Since The World Is Not Enough in 1999 she's had a string of largely forgettable and often completely overlooked roles. Don't mention her to Tish Potter.

76 - Chelsy Davy - possibly a future royal, being the girlfriend of Prince Harry. I'm sure she's lovely, but does she have Kate Middleton's class?

73 - Tricia Helfer - Helfer's Six is the very embodiment of the new Battlestar Galactica and she recently played a dominatrix in thriller Walk All Over Me. Absolutely a fanboy's wet dream.

67 - Milla Jovovich - aka Queen Alice of Raccoon City, Resident Evil's equivalent of Sigourney Weaver is down to earth and never afraid to get her hands dirty on set, doing most of her own stunts. A kickass cult heroine, even if she is engaged to Paul W.S. Anderson.

64 - Ali Larter - received very unfair reviews for her split-personaility performance in the first season of Heroes, In truth, she was one of the best things about it, effortlessly switching between homicidal psychopath and desperate soccer-mom in the blink of an eye.

61 - Holly Valance - seems to be trying hard to make it big in the US. High point has been an occasional role in Prison Break. Has had a few roles in minor films but the US hasn't quite opened up for her yet. Fingers crossed it will though.

57 - Jennifer Garner - My fourth-favourite actress on the entire planet, largely thanks to Alias, a series which I watched back-to-back in it's entirety on DVD. Since then she's done some great work but has never got the critical recognition she deserves, despite never putting in a bad performance, no matter how poor the film. Showed a flair for comedy for 13 Going On 30 and was superlative in Juno, a pitch performance as a woman transitioning from uptight control-freak to vulnerable adoptive mother-to-be. That nobody gave her even a nomination for the performance was nothing less than criminal.

56 - Mischa Barton - hmm, OK. Rachel Bilson's hotter.

54 - Evangeline Lilly - you know that feeling you get just before you eat a really unhealthy slice of chocolate cake? That's the feeling I get when I look at Evangeline. She's just mmmmmm, ya know? As evidenced by a recent appearance on The Late Show, she's also incredibly charming. Bad luck Dominic!

49 - Nicole Scherzinger - hottest of the Pussycat Dolls, but she should stay away from cheap TV like The X Factor. Played herself in Cane and hinted that maybe she does have some acting skills. One to watch.

47 - Monica Bellucci - oldest entry in the chart at 43. High point for me was that latex couture dress in The Matrix Reloaded but she hasn't lived up to it since. Hopefully, Shoot 'Em Up was her nadir.

45 - Katherine Heigl - another actress who totally charmed Letterman, America and me, but her face is a bit shiny and round. Her Grey's Anatomy character-arc has been interminably tedious.

41 - Lindsay Lohan - saw Mean Girls last year and thought she was terrific. Went off the rails a bit, but she'll be back. She's a damn good actress, whatever Rupert Grint says.

37 - Avril Lavigne - read this.

34 - Kelly Brook - Kelly seems to have been around for years, but she doesn't look any older. In truth, she's 28. A successful model of course, her acting career hasn't had any real success, but the fact she's drop dead gorgeous alone means she'll be gracing FHM's chart for years to come.

31 - Britney Spears - what's left to say about Britney? Well, nothing. Her travails are well documented. Less well documented is the fact her album Blackout, which appeared at the height of her troubles, is completely poptastic. Baby's coming back!

28 - Charlize Theron - it's a testament to the skill of make-up artists that such a beautiful woman can be made to look really, really ugly, as happened to Charlize in Monster. Recently appeared on The Late Show looking so stunning that for 14 seconds, time literally stood still. That's a fact folks!

19 - Jennifer Love Hewitt - never mind the pisspoor Ghost Whisperer, get your hands on a copy of Heartbreakers. Skirts so short they would make Mary Quant cry.

16 - Rachel Bilson - hah, take that, Barton!

15 - Alessandra Ambrosio - my current second most popular desktop girl is a gloriously beautiful Brazilian even if she does, from some angles, look a little bit like Cristiano Ronaldo.

12 - Kate Beckinsale - her role as the latex-clad vampire Selene in Underworld and Underworld: Evolution brought her attention to a legion of male fans who don't get out much, like me. Wittier than your average actress and down to earth as well, she's the ultimate girl next door. On a serious note, her father the late and much missed Richard Beckinsale would be very proud.

11 - Rihanna - g-d I love her hairstyles.

10 - Keira Knightley - needs to atone for Atonement. She was great in it, but the film overall was pretty pants. Currently filming The Duchess, in which she plays the Duchess of Devonshire. Cue anecdote. When I was very small i went on a day trip to Chatsworth House with my mum. I wandered off at one point and went and sat with an old (to me) couple. Turns out they were the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire and I had founf my way to their private rooms. The Duke reunited me with my mum, much to her embarassment :D

9 - Angelina Jolie - scroll down for the Wanted poster. Says it all, really. A superlative woman.

6 - Scarlett Johansson - can I just say that I dont find her that attractive. I mean, if she came round to my house at 4am on the flimsy premise that she wanted to borrow a bowl of sugar and started enganing in barely veiled sexual flirtation, I would play along. Would be rude not to and I've been brought up to be polite and all that that. But really, I can name at least 500 women I would rather play naked Twister with.

5 - Hayden Panettiere - so far, the best things about this season of Heroes. Actually, she the best thing about the last season of Heroes too. Tiny, but perfectly formed nevertheless.

The rest you'll have to find out for yourself. They don't interest me all that much and to be honest, I don't want to get into trouble with Felix Dennis. After all, he's never killed anybody. Wouldn't want him to start now.

One last thought - where are Amanda Peet, Hilary Swank, Olivia Wilde, Jennifer Morrison and Kate Middleton?! Shocking omissions!